Bailey Blog

We all have friends throughout our lives. Some of them we are born with, others we meet when we start running and walking. Others come in and out of our lives quickly while some stay for the long haul. Sometimes you can anticipate a friend from they way they carry themselves in the world. Often, whomever you thought would be there forever disappoints you in the strangest of ways.

It is possible that friendships are shattered by unforgivable circumstances. There are times that tears can be mended- forever changed- intact and stronger than before.

Sometimes, heartbreak can strike and completely blindside you. This past year I had that experience many, many times.

The culmination of unfortunate events first came to a head on my birthday. Two of my closest friends just tore me apart behind my back at a party I spend significant amounts of my time and money coordinating. They were rude and anti-social to my other friends, cared more about eating the cake than wishing me well, and left early to go out together separately. I never spoke to them again after that.

Another friend, my long-time high school teammate, foreshadowed her eventual intensive selfishness that night when she overindulged and drank herself into a stupor before the night was half over. She became sloppy, put her shoes all over the center console of my boyfriend’s new truck, and needed help in the bathroom later in the night.

We still continued our friendship a while longer after that. My father passed a few months later and that same friend drove up from San Diego to be with us about 4 hours North. She made it clear she was there for anything we needed…until she got bored.

She made plans the rest of the weekend to see her family and other friends in the area. She only showed up to spend time with us past 9pm just when visiting hours were ending. Except of course for the night she went to see Lady Gaga in LA which she ‘wasn’t going to do but she was in the area so she decided to use the ticket so it didn’t go to waste’. She repeatedly acknowledged to us – and herself – that it really was the right decision for her at the time and she was glad she went.

The day he died she stayed in SD. The day of his memorial she ‘already had plans she had to stick to and couldn’t make it’. I later found our her cousin had a college tour in SD she wanted to go to with him, her aunt, and uncle.

I have not recovered these friendships. With my birthday rolling around again, these losses stand out more stark than any other time of the year. The socio-emotional energy has not inhabited my body for months now. Grief is a crazy, monumental task to cater to everyday. I expect it will stay with me for the rest of my life and I’ll learn to grow more resilient around it.

What I can say with absolute certainty is that my life is not worse without these three friendships. One of the friendships was more of a newer one with a sweet girl. But I’d watched her bend to the will of others and not stand up for herself or me when the time came. And that’s another personality trait I don’t see enhancing my life.

Am I lonely sometimes? Yes. But I know it’s not forever. For now, I’m in my cocoon of family, one amazing friend who showed up to everything and continues to make my life worth living, and my devoted boyfriend. I have coworkers I adore and spend time with, and acquaintances I frequent at the gym.

When I am able to socialize again and put myself out there I will. I will have more friends again. I will lose friends again. The important part is to engage with loving, thoughtful people who constantly make my life better. And I think I’m off to a pretty good start. Today, if not anything else, I am proud of my boundaries.